The first time that I remember feeling this way was in the second grade. Walking down the hallway in line formation, neither the caboose nor line leader, I was hit with a wave of questions from my inner self.
Who am I? What am I? What is this? I asked while staring down at my hands. I disassociated. I felt as if I was in someone else’s body, and yet it felt wrong to ask those questions.
I kept walking.
One summer a few years ago I found myself sitting outside, just existing by the lake. I stopped to take a deep breath and I appreciated the air. I looked around and I appreciated the birds, the trees, and the geese in the distance. I appreciated life, and it cost me nothing. But there it was again. Who am I? What am I? What is this?
This happened to me recently again. I was reading a book, one that made me feel on a level that I don’t reach often, and there was a certain kind of euphoria reached among the tears. I stared at my legs. Who am I? What am I? What is this?
I came to accept in that moment that I am a sack. I am a sack with chemicals. I am a sack with chemicals that sometimes make me happy, and I like being happy. That much I can accept.
I don’t know if I have another identity that I can realize, or if I’m destined to have a purpose in the grand scheme of events on Earth, but I do know one thing.
I am a sack.
Part of me struggles with the desire to define myself beyond that. Am I supposed to be Ethan McCue, student, aspiring activist, business professional? That answers the who and what am I questions, but it leaves one question unanswered.
What is this?
I don’t think that identity fits what I feel most of the time. It doesn’t answer this because it isn’t this. I am a sack because the pleasures are simple, not complicated. I realized when I was by the lake that I don’t need to be anything to the world to be happy.
I want my future to be guided by what the sack wants, not by that identity with aspirations.
So that settles it. I am a sack. Beyond that, I’m a sack that enjoys the chorus to Nightmare by Halsey, Ari in Aristotle and Dante Discover the Universe, and the connection made with friends under the stars. And, at least for now, that’s all I want to be.